Surprise Your Host!

My family and I were invited to the neighbors for supper a few weeks ago.  They had several other guests visiting from around the state.  It was a fine meal, the company was good, and we had a great time.

Now, my neighbors are retired from the Navy, and most of their friends are city folk.  I have enjoyed meeting many of them, but they do not quite know what to think of me at first.  I wear nothing but bibbed overalls all the time.  Well, occasionally I will wear shorts while fishing, but even then I mostly wear my bibs.  Those who first meet me seem to get the impression I am some dumb country boy, and mostly they are right.  I am not up on the latest dining etiquette as I do not follow Miss Manner's articles, but I try to eat with my mouth closed and keep my elbows off the table.  Sometimes I catch myself with elbows on the table.  Usually after a bit, though, my new acquaintances get used to me and find I can carry on a conversation about most anything they want to talk about so long as it isn't algebra or trigonometry.

A few days before my dining invitation I had bought a bag of coconut.  Now, you might think I am a lover of coconut, or perhaps I had some recipe to use it in, but you would be wrong on both counts.  Actually, I like to chew tobacco, but to give my mouth a break from it once in a while, I will get a bag of shredded coconut to chew on.  It has the same texture as my brand of tobacco which is in fine cut grains.  I like chewing on it.  Literally.  When I use the coconut I don't have to spit however.

So there I was sitting at the head of the table with high society Debs on either side.  I had done broke the ice and had them laughing over stories and we were getting along fine.  The main course was over and our hostess went to bring out the dessert.  She had lemon meringue pie, a big raspberry cake with white icing, and something else I can not recall.  It probably was not very good or I would remember it.  But let me say that she is a wonderful cook, and in the past several years of eating her cooking I bet she only made two things I did not like.  Actually, it was three.  That is still pretty good odds though.

I was asked what I would like and I said I would have a piece of cake and a small slice of pie.  I do not get invited out very much so I like to take advantage of everything that is offered, you know.  The plate was passed around the table to me, and I politely waited until everyone else had their dessert before digging in, an act totally unobserved by everyone there I might add.  Some of them began eating right away, so any reservations on my part about fine dining etiquette was completely unfounded.  Once the hostess was seated I said something to gain everyone's attention.  I cannot recall now what I said.  Maybe it was, "burp, excuse me" or something.  Anyway, once they all looked at me I pulled the bag of coconut from my front bibs pocket and politely asked, "Would anyone like some coconut to go with their dessert?"

The hostess's eyes bugged out and her jaw dropped open and I could see the food in her mouth.  How un-bon appetite!  As I sprinkled some onto my cake one girl asked me what I was doing with coconut in my pocket.  How rude!  Another laughed out loud.  How impolite!  My wife rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, my god."  I don't know what her problem was.  Still, I did not let their offensive behavior have effect on my good manners.  I held out the bag and asked again if anyone would like some.  They all declined.   Their loss.  I neatly rolled up the bag and returned it to my pocket.  Regardless of how anyone else chooses to act, I refuse to act indecently at the dinner table.

Next time I go over there for dinner I think I am going to take a pipe wrench.  I wonder how they will pass that test?